Obviously, hind sight and all that. But, what should I have done differently...now that I have the perspective of what it meant to lose her to a long, painful cancer at the age of twenty-six.
There's only one thing I believe I would change, which I think could have opened up a lot of avenues of communication that somehow went missing. I would have had the perspective that death happens; I would have recognized and dealt with the denial factor.
This is the root of my guilt: lost opportunities to get real. All that wishing for it not to be happening the way it was happening. All the stress of confusion and resistance and disbelief. Realizing the misery of the situation - one that we could not control - and simply being with her didn't happen until the very end. I'm still greedy for more of those moments.
If this ever happens again, I know there will be more of those days. I will understand the meaning of her request of me to "go deep." I will let go of this guilt and get on with remembering the essence of her and the many lessons she taught me.
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2 comments:
I love you Rita. You're writing is beautiful and real and brave for how willing you are to share your personal thoughts on such a raw subject. You are one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met.
Rita. You know that I too lost someone very dear and as near to a brother as a person can have in a tragic and earth shatteringly sudden way. Your posts are beautiful and I really feel and identify with your feelings of pain, helplessness, anger, acceptance (albeit sometimes bitter) and the post heart ripping of all, loss...
And though we talk all the time... I feel this helps me understand you in a different way. It's weird, we know each other so well... but there are so many details we don't have about the day to day rants and ramblings, the stories of times past, and retelling of dreams that somehow becomes more visceral when told in narrative form.
I am so proud of you for following your bliss in the midst of everything, while still having heart enough left to care about and be a wonderful person to everyone around you.
My words have been bottle up for too long. You inspire me to let them go.
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